Because we do not approve of you having sex with our high school daughters, we have equipped their vaginas with automatic intrusion alarms. Once triggered, these alarms will screech out at unbearable volumes, transmit emergency GPS information to the nearest security forces, and instantly alert the Purity Apps on our phones and phablets.
You understand our precautions, of course. When we ourselves were young, we vied for the attention of boys with clean faces and sweet smiles. We fell for their easy lies and shiny gifts. We nearly ruined ourselves with babies that would have swelled up out of us if our parents hadn’t interceded. Our daughters are as precious to us as soft bars of gold, as diamonds dug up from the dark earth, as shares in the corporations of well-connected defense contractors. Daughters are worth every conceivable precaution.
Don’t deny the lust that consumes your minds. We’ve looked at your computer histories and the pictures you’ve saved on your phones. It’s not your fault. You inherited it from your fathers and their fathers, all of those crude instincts carried from the caves to the cities by the Y chromosome.
We appreciate your cooperation.
Because we do not approve of how you have hacked our alarms, we have now equipped our daughters with exploding vaginal dye packs like the kind that bank tellers slip among the cash when dangerous criminals demand all the money.
Vaginal dye packs are no more intrusive than tampons. Upon the slightest foreign contact, a pack will rupture and gush indelible green ink over penetrating organs. This ink will soak through the sturdiest condoms as well as coat the penetrator’s groins and thighs. This evidence of assault will make identification, apprehension, and conviction all much easier.
Daughters who come home coated in green ink will treated as victims unless their behavior is determined to be at fault, in which case they will be sent away for refresher training. Training is conducted at lovely outdoor camps in upstate New York, where fresh air, vigorous exercise, classroom lectures, and late night seminars help them see the error of their ways.
For those rare times when we authorize sex for our daughters, tiny transmitters in gold, heart–shaped pendants will prevent the dye packs from exploding. These Integrity Pendants ™ will not be dispensed without an extensive approval process. They must be worn around the neck and only operate when both parties come together in the missionary position.
You think you’re ready for more, but you’re not. We weren’t ready, either.
It has come to our attention that many male college students consider green–inked groins to be signs of sexual prowess. Fraternities now celebrate Green Days, and brothers encourage one another to refresh their stains. Green Boards tally sexual conquests. A virgin losing his purity is awarded a Green Belt. This corruption of morals and high standards requires further steps, e.g. an irritant that causes a burning sensation when it comes in contact with the penetrating organ.
Therefore, we have installed state–of–the–art capsaicin dispensers in the vaginas of our daughters attending college. Capsaicin is a vegetable–based product sometimes utilized in the behavior correctant known as pepper spray. Don’t touch it.
Understandably, our daughters are concerned at the possibility of exposing their reproductive organs to intense chemical irritation during an already traumatic experience. We are satisfied that such discomfort would be a small price to pay. The release of capsaicin may induce breathing difficulties in the assailant, which will interrupt the attack while the man seeks medical assistance. Breathing difficulties in the victim may also occur, affording her distraction from the unpleasantness occurring below.
Our daughters now wear their Integrity Pendants ™ twenty–four hours a day. The jewelry shines quite prettily against the smooth skin of their throats. Potential sexual partners may request wireless key fobs coded for access after filling out online applications, paying the appropriate processing fees, and passing intensive background checks. Fobs can be permanently authorized upon receipt of a marriage license. Losing or tampering with the pendants results in immediate capsaicin release.
For those of our daughters who desire the companionship of other daughters, see online form 32(a)(3)(c).
We appreciate your respect for our daughters’ educations and futures. Our own parents let us enjoy sexual congress at will, and where did that get us?
Because we disapprove of your circumventions, be advised that our daughters have been equipped with capsaicin dispensers in all alternative body cavities as well.
Because we disapprove of scientists in your laboratory who have invented anti–capsaicin lubrication, we have blockaded your doors and detained your employees.
What you fail to understand, sirs, is that until recently most daughters were constantly placed in hazardous situations for which they were not equipped to defend themselves. From a young age, they were taught to placate and mollify others. They learned to earn social rewards by pleasing and flattering men. Social and entertainment media convinced them to spend endless hours and fortunes striving for the clearest skin, shiniest hair, slimmest thighs, and loveliest body shapes. As teenagers they had their noses broken and rebuilt, their ears pinned and reshaped, their breasts augmented or trimmed. They were rarely encouraged to be assertive verbally or physically. They were not sent to self–defense classes. They were told to always walk in pairs, to avoid late night social situations, to never let anyone slip anything in their drinks, to always let someone know where they went and how long they’d be gone.
They were taught to entice, but be careful. To play the game, but not get hurt. To get hurt was to be interrogated and blamed. Some of our daughters were violated and raped in front of cameras, the videos posted online for all the world to see. Some were killed at the hands of lovers who strangled or drowned them, or wrapped their heads in plastic and buried them alive.
We will no longer tolerate a world that dumps our daughters into shallow graves.
Because we do not approve of your having sex with our daughters on your office sofas, we are modifying them with the very latest in vaginal safeguard technology (VST).
Some of our daughters have expressed disagreement or doubt. They are adult women now, they say, about to start their first salaried positions. Surely the decision to engage in intercourse is one they should make on their own. Haven’t we trained them to be independent and resourceful? They can only be the equivalent of men if they have the same ability to engage intimately and spontaneously with partners of their choosing.
We have listened to their protests and petitions, and we respectfully disagree with their arguments.
They are so innocent, our girls. They believe that on the job they will be evaluated fairly and objectively. They don’t understand the extent to which they will be rated on their appearance, their wardrobe, their makeup and accessories, and their deference to wiser, more powerful men. They don’t know that that kind little man who sits near the copier has installed a camera in the women’s bathroom. The senior partners send each other pictures of women performing fellatio, the security guards discuss who they’re going to fuck first if civilization collapses, and the IT guy collects movies of teenage girls locked in medieval dungeons.
Our daughters think that if they deny a co–worker’s sexual advances, all parties can still remain professional and cordial. They believe that Human Resources Departments will protect them with policies and pamphlets and mandatory training sessions.
No pamphlets ever protected us.
VST protects women from intrusions into their professional and personal lives. Personal Defense Nanobots are designed to release from the lining of the vagina, penetrate an interloper’s urethra, travel to one or both testicles, and create testicular torsion along with blackened skin and excruciating pain. Immediate onset is guaranteed at a rate of ninety percent or better. Medical attention will be required to restore blood flow and avoid amputation. The nanobots will be encoded with our daughters’ DNA to make identification impossible to avoid.
The nanobots are not designed to discern between legitimate and non–legitimate entry. Therefore, any vaginal entry will result in a medical emergency and require immediate intervention.
We believe this technology represents the best and safest options available.
Our daughters are being persuaded to agree.
Their fathers have learned not to argue.
Because we do not approve of your use of plastic, wooden, or metal phalluses, we have protected our daughters with the finest synthetic underwear available in the world today.
These smart garments, originally invented for and by the military, allow for the easy excretion of solids and fluids while keeping the wearer dry, defended and in excellent sanitary condition. They come in a variety of shapes and colors. Although users complain of stiffness and inflexibility, the garments provide excellent tummy control and aid in weight loss. Best of all, the garments will not separate under the cutting blades of scissors, knives, shears or other sharp tools. They can’t be burned off. They are impervious to lasers. Once affixed and locked, they become a permanent and invaluable part of a woman’s arsenal.
Our daughters resisted. They threatened their kind nurses, put knives to the throats of dedicated doctors, and assaulted the very guards who sought to protect them. They escaped from locked wards by smashing windows, shimmying down fire escapes and hiding under tarpaulins in the backs of delivery trucks. Under other circumstances, we could almost admire their fierce determination to forge their own destinies. Considering the grave state of violence against women, we were duly alarmed and vowed to protect them even further.
Some daughters made it past the barbed wire fences and found allies among those fathers and brothers who had expressed reservations about our plans. Some daughters fled to and sought asylum in other countries with ridiculously exaggerated stories of persecution, imprisonment, and punishment.
Through persistence and cunning we have put down these revolutionaries. Education, training and reinforcement will be used to show them how much we love them.
Meanwhile, we have coated all garments with a highly complex poison that the wearers have been carefully made immune to. Any admirer attempting to caress, rub or otherwise touch the protected fabric will soon suffer chills, dizziness and low blood pressure. Escalating symptoms will include the inability to swallow, followed by the inability to breathe. Antidotes to the poison will only be available at our top–secret, highly fortified fertility and reproduction clinics.
Do not count on receiving help before your throat closes shut.
We understand the objections of heterosexual men who desire female companionship. Our chaste and obedient daughters will be happy to sit with you in tree–lined parks, to walk on the beach with you at sunset, to dine in fine restaurants with your pink corsages tied around their wrists. For those times when your base instincts drive you toward insensibility, we suggest the clean, well–maintained, and highly trained machines that we supply in nightclubs and lounges. These feminine facsimiles will return your caresses, receive your ejaculations and provide any number of services that our daughters would never have imagined performing.
The machines look pretty. They never argue.
We hope they provide total satisfaction to you the same way the male facsimiles do for us mothers.
We will do anything to ensure a bright future for our daughters.